There are two general methods: the Arctic Torpedo method (Bendover, et al, 1969) and the Intrusive Injection method (Peenus, et al, 1869)

Arctic Torpedo method:

Materials: – Alcohol, and lots of it – Lasagna – blender – Catheter tube – Syringe – Lube – Freezer – More alcohol – Operating table

Method:

1. Blend lasagna

2. Cap end of catheter tube

3. Insert blended lasagna into catheter tube

4. Place lasagna filled catheter tube into freezer until frozen

5. Instruct patient to consume copious amounts of alcohol

6. Once patient has passed out, remove patient’s pants and undergarments (if they haven’t been removed already from alcohol-induced shenanigans), and strap patient to operating table.

7. Apply lube to patient’s urethra and uncapped end of catheter tubing.

8. Place uncapped end of catheter tubing snugly in patient’s urethra.

9. Remove cap from capped end of catheter tubing.

10. Fill syringe with air.

11. Place syringe tip into the previously capped end of the catheter tubing and force air out of it. A. This should begin to “torpedo” the frozen log of lasagna into the urethra.

12. Repeat steps 10-11 until the lasagna torpedo has completely entered the urethra

13. Exit the scene and celebrate with alcohol

Intrusive Injection method:

Materials:

-Lasagna -Alcohol (optional) -Syringe -Blender -Restraining devices

Method:

1. Restrain patient and began administering doses of alcohol (this will make them struggle less).

2. Blend lasagna

3. Fill syringe with blended lasagna

4. Take intrusive means to access the patient’s urethra

5. Use the syringe to force the blended lasagna into the patient’s urethra

6. Exit the crime scene in an orderly fashion.