I know you think you’re joking, but you’re actually very right. It’s a common misconception that “Seal” stands for, “Sea, air, and land”.

In the early days of aquatic warfare, in the 1950s during the Cold War we had scientists secretly experimenting on what marine animals would best assist our forces in combat. Dolphins, sharks, jellyfish, and even sea cucumbers were all extensively studied to find out how they could aid us. It was found that seals (or pinnipeds) were almost as smart as dolphins, but they were easier to drain and domesticate. Additionally, look at the face of a dolphin. Notice something? They look like [devious little shits that are up to no good.](https://i.imgur.com/8mTcbEP.jpg) Seals, however, appear to be innocent, lazy, and dumb. That is far from the truth, though.

In 1962, we formed the first Navy Seals squadron, composed of actual seals. Did you ever hear of the Shoyda Night Raid? Not surprised, history books often amend this important aspect of the cold war. On August 17th, we sent the squadron of seals to Shoyda, a coastal town on the north east corner of the Okrug district, Russia. The seals successfully swam to the town where the Soviets were hiding nuclear assets and bomb schematics. The seals overcame all 38 soviet soldiers posted in the town using flipper-to-hand combat techniques and successfully destroyed the nuclear assets and schematics, before barking into the night while swimming off into the cold, black ocean.

Due to global warming, however, seals are legitimately stupid now. As the greenhouse gases warm our ocean, they have been able to find less food and survive for little time. With time they evolved and became less intelligent, to preserve energy so they could keep their other organs (heart, lungs, digestive system) functioning to avoid death. As said before, unfortunately this limited their intelligence as energy was taken away from their neurological functions.

But do not fear, Navy seals truly do serve an important role in combat, just a very different one that has adapted to current needs. For example, when Seal Team 6 took out Bin Laden on May 2nd, 2011, this is what really happened: The Seals were dropped off a mile away via fast-rope helicopter from the Pakistani compound where Bin Laden was hiding, and scooted over to the rendezvous. When they were in position, they began barking like the idiots they are. Confused as to why there were Seals in the middle of Pakistan, Bin Laden’s troops went to investigate. This caused a distraction, allowing actual U.S. ground forces to intercept and dispatch the enemy combatants and raid Bin Laden’s compound, free of hassle.

TL:DR – Navy Seals are definitely the most honorable and respectable fighters in our military.