This just happened about 10 minutes ago. I’m still in a state of absolute shock about this, and I honestly don’t have anyone to tell nor do I want to tell anyone I know IRL about this, so I’m posting here about this absolutely insane shit.

So I was in my Zoom gen-ed class where literally nobody was paying attention, and usually my professor doesn’t give a shit about us having our cameras on or off. At the beginning she basically said she didn’t mind if we had them off as long as we were still paying attention. Shit, I’m all for that. The less I have to do, the better.

A bit of background: last night I was absolutely craving Mexican food. Yes, you can probably tell where this is going already, but let me explain: I had about 3 cans of refried beans and I wasn’t about to eat those jawns plain. I wanted a burrito with them so I went out to Chipotle and got an absolutely huge chonker, this shit was the size of a newborn baby. It was right before Chipotle closed so I guess they just threw their entire kitchen into it.

So I get home, it’s about 11 pm at this point, and heat up all 3 cans of refried beans. Because, ya never know how much you’re gonna need, right? I then proceed to add my secret ingredient – trust me, this makes a LOAD of difference when making refried beans – a tablespoon of Frank’s Red hot sauce for each can. Three tablespoons in total. It just adds that kick that the beans lack, otherwise they’re super bland. That shit is just super good.

Anyways, I’m not here for you to be judging my tastes in Mexican food and what I like to add to my beans. If you think it’s weird, fine, I don’t really give a shit. Well, actually, that’s a lie, as you’ll see soon!

I don’t know what it was, maybe it was the 7 beers I had last night, but I was incoherently shoveling food into my pie hole and just couldn’t stop. Before I knew it, it was 1 am and I had dizzily made my way through the entire burrito and all 3 cans of beans. Then I realized how late it was. Shit! It was 3 am and I had a class at 9:30! I proceeded to go to bed as soon as I realized that.

Flash-forward 6 hours and 29 minutes later. I had forgot to set an alarm and I wake up, 1 minute before my class starts! I rush over to my computer and fire that shit up faster than California is burning down.

In my hurry, I fail to notice a very important thing: my stomach is super fucking bloated and a storm is’a brewin! I set down on my desk chair and enter my Zoom lecture. My camera is off and my mic is muted, cool. My professor waits for everyone to join before taking attendance. It’s 9:33 and I finally realize that… shit, things just don’t seem to feel quite right.

I am sweating up a storm, my insides feel like Hurricane Katrina has possessed them, and I’m starting to feel super nauseated. So what do I do? I do the sensible thing of course, I take off all my shit. I don’t need to have my camera on after all, right?

Well, this is where shit hit the fan. Our professor had a surprise: a pop quiz! And she was making us turn our cameras on so that she could ensure that we weren’t cheating. At this point, I was absolutely shitting myself. I tried to put on my shirt but it just wouldn’t fit over my bloated AF stomach, and my balls had also swollen to the size of walnuts for some reason (Mexican food shouldn’t do this, idk why) so I couldn’t put my pants on either.

At this point I was the only one without my camera on and my professor started screaming at me. She had absolutely lost her shit, threatening to fail me from the class and report me to the dean!

I was helpless. Stark nude in my room, my stomach scrambled and a cloud of gas beginning to form over my head, I knew I was in some deep shit, but I had no choice. So I did the only thing I could do: turn on my camera.

Lemme tell you, shit immediately went down. My professor, seeing the absolute sorry state I was in, looking like I had swallowed another human and my huge-ass fucking balls just swinging everywhere wildly, just started screaming like a wild banshee. She was so shook that it was as if a demon had possessed her, she was just wilding out. Then, she absolutely lost it: I had driven her to the point of insanity.

She started shitting and pissing herself absolutely everywhere – her room was painted brown and yellow and she was still screaming like a possessed burrito! We just stood there in shock. Well, actually it was just me standing there in shock because all of my classmates began pissing and shitting themselves at the sight of me too. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.

Then, the unthinkable happened: I felt my stomach literally start to tear in half. Well, actually it was tearing open. I could not believe my eyes… a giant, mutant… thing was prying itself out of my stomach and climbed out. It looked like a burrito with legs made of beans and started drooling beer everywhere.

The entire class saw the hellspawn I had given birth to, and began seizing all over the place. All I could see was brown and yellow, nobody resembled human beings anymore, and this was all my fault.

I don’t even know what to do at this point. I turned my camera off and have just been sitting here shocked in complete silence. My roommate came in to give me a plate of chicken tendies, took one look at me, and just started spazzing out, shitting and pissing himself. What the fuck am I gonna do?

My life is over.