I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, I’m going to destroy your bathroom like it’s made of fucking cat litter. I’ve been at this for almost ten years now and I’m somewhat of an expert, here’s my strategy:
I drink enormous amounts of water, usually about two gallons since I’ve developed quite the exceptional stomach from competing in every hot dog eating contest within 150 miles. Then, I hold in my pee for approximately 1-2 hours before entering the bathroom. I do a quick check to make sure no one’s in there, but I usually do my business around 2am so I rarely have any problems. Now I’m almost ready to do my business, but not without a plan. I make a quick sketch on the mirror with my retractable automotive grease crayon that I carry in my pocket, planning out my course of action so that I don’t have to wade through a pool of pee during my escape.

Here’s the gist of my average bathroom trip:
I hit the farthest urinal first, making sure to aim carefully so that my pee *only* gets on the handle, and work my way back until I get to the stalls. As I enter the stall I unleash on the handle first, then the seat, making sure to not get any in the bowl. I open up the TP dispenser, give both the backup and active rolls a good dousing before wetting the enlcosure and the keyhole. Then I give the lock and the part where people usually put their hand a good slathering.
After that, it’s time to move onto the sinks, where it’s pretty much the same as the urinals, give the handles a squeeze of urine and then spray the mirrors for good measure. For the spray function, I squeeze my urethra until it’s mostly flat and squeeze a bit harder to break up the stream. This gets me good coverage without wasting too much liquid. I treat the paper towel dispenser too, or squirt directly into the blower if they have an air dryer. When I’m done, I’ll lean back and give the whole floor a good spray until I’m nearly empty.
For the finishing touch, I’ll moisten the door handles and get some inside the lock mechanism too. If there are any cleaning supplies around I’ll make sure to give those a good dousing too, because jannies aren’t people.
If I’m feeling especially devious, I’ll go into the women’s bathroom at target and give them the gatorade too, because I’m all about equality.

Some know me as “that 300lb autist who cleared out McDonalds on halloween of 2006” but I prefer to call myself The Yellow Pee Pee Monster.