Step 1.) A diet of coffee and cigarettes. It is imperative that you consume only coffee and cigarettes, nothing more, nothing less. IF YOU DEVIATE FROM THIS YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT. This is the most important step.

Step 2.) Have sex. Just get a girlfriend/boyfriend you fucking loser lol. Like being alone? Trust issues? Social anxiety or introvert? Donezo, you’re out of there bub. Hope you like failing as a writer because that is what you’re doing. Haha, hold up gf if calling me for more sexy sex.

Step 3.) Don’t edit. Don’t re-read what you wrote. Rip that fucking backspace/delete key off your keyboard. Mistakes are manly and you own up to them. You show no fear to the fact that you are imperfect (even though you aren’t because you are a sigma). But if you are a real writer you did it write the first time. If you didn’t, ngmi. Sorry, that’s just how it is in this cruel world.

Step 4.) Don’t give into the voice in your head. Though mine is telling me cocaine will make me a better writer. Shit, should I do some coke too?

Step 4.1) DO COKE?

Step 5.) Join a writing club, purely to flex on the weak. You are the pinnacle of writers, and you need the world to know it. Just show up and make it known how much better of a writer you are compared to everyone else. It IS a competition. We are not in this together. Only the strong survive. Piss on them. Just whip it out and piss on them, their laptops, their stories. This is your piss smelling dojo.

Step 6.) Do not stop for anything. House on fire? Good, I didn’t need that shit anyways. Dad dying in the hospital? Lol bye nerd. GF delivering your firstborn child? Fuck them kids. If you are a true writer, you make it your life, day in day out. You stop for nothing.

Step 7.) Set a word goal for yourself. Mr. King, my beloved, my dearest…. he recommends 2,000 words a day. You do that for like 60 days or some stupid shit then you will have like 20 million words easy. It’s THAT simple to write. If you can’t do that, you know what I’m gonna say next… YOU’RE OUT OF THERE.

Step 8.) If you are at a boring part of the story, start looking for another occupation because you are a boring writer. Simple as. Sorry bub, this ain’t for you.

Step 9.) If you need a break, take one, even though I just said do not stop for anything. Sleepy boys need naps, that’s what mama always said.

Step 10.) Do not trust autosave. It is a lie, just like all technology lol. The only trustworthy way of backing up my story is just printing a fresh copy every few minutes. You will need a lot of printer ink and paper, enough to probably bankrupt you even, but it will be worth it to keep your 1 billion dollar novella safe.

Step 11.) I forgot what step 11 was, sorry.

Step 12.) Practice controlling your gag reflexes because it’s time to find a publisher.

If you follow these steps, you will succeed just like me. No questions. Do not ask me to post my work, I will ignore it. PEACE.