Earlier today I had to take my daily shit, so I went through my normal routine. I got my travel pillow, put on an album, and went to town. So I sit there for about 20 minutes doing my thing, and I decided it was about time to wrap things up. I opened my eyes and noticed that there wasn’t any toilet paper left on the roll. Not a problem I thought, I always keep a box of baby wipes on top of the toilet. I turned around and saw that it, too, was empty. Then I noticed another box of wipes, a cylindrical one. I figured, “what the hell, wipes are wipes,” and began to use them to wipe my ass. So I use them, and as I’m washing my hands less than a minute later, my asshole is starting to BURN. Like REALLY badly. I looked at the wipes and saw that they were disinfectant wipes (which are apparently really bad for your asshole), which was why my ass was burning so badly. I immediately got in the shower and washed my ass in an attempt to make the burning stop, to no avail. I remembered hearing that drinking milk helps with spicy food, and this burns pretty bad too so maybe that would work. I got my enema bucket out of the closet and pumped whole milk up my ass, which I immediately realized didn’t do jack shit. Now I’m laying helpless on the floor with my burning asshole in a puddle of milk. Any help would be greatly appreciated.