My uncle always told me that if I ever shook his hand, he would punch my fucking head in. He was deathly afraid of germs and once gave my little brother Richie brain damage when he gave uncle grant a high five. We would go on a family outing every year because he was rich as fuck from his hand sanitizer business, this year we went to the grand canyon.

Every time I met my extended family I would give my auntie a hug, high five my cousins but I never dared to shake my uncles hand because of poor little Richie that got his head smashed in last time. Anyway, me and my cousins are playing a game of chicken to see who would go the closest to the edge of the canyon. I was winning so far by standing just a meter from the edge when I felt something brush past me, it was my uncle. He quickly dis-infected his shoulder from where he touched me and stood just half a foot from the edge.

My brother Richie thought his bravery was incredible and in his post brain damage retardation, thought it would be a good idea to give my uncle a high five for his victory. “NO RICHIE” I shouted, which was a mistake as it caused my uncle to lose his balance and fall off the edge. I managed to catch his arm but he started to freak out because I was touching his hand and started to lube that shit up with his hand sanitizer and sprayed some in my eye. This caused me to lose my grip and he fell to his death.

After finding the body, there wasn’t much left other than a pile of blood, and some hand sanitizer. We scraped him off the rocks and put his body in a bucket and took him home to have a funeral service where we all wore gloves in memory of his germophobic ways. We even disinfected his body, we knew it’s what he would have wanted. Even my brain dead little brother was wearing gloves while he was jacking off respectfully in the corner, using hand sanitiser as lube. It was truly a beautiful sight and really brought our family together where my uncle was unfortunately torn apart by gravity

Rest in peace uncle grant