Let’s be real, if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t very creative. You probably can’t come up with your own unique ideas, can’t be funny, interesting, or unique, and you probably don’t think you are worth anything.

Wow, that totally describes you? That means that you are probably a member of gen-z, and you’re in luck, because so is everyone else reading this.

If somehow you don’t think you belong in this category of people I have something to tell you.

You’re wrong. You are a biased bigot who fuels alt-right thinking, and is propelling our future into hell. How dare you not agree with me.

Sorry. That was just my inability to understand that there is such a thing as someone who does not agree with me, it’s very common for epic zoomers like me.

Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t fully grasp what it means to be a zoomer? What are you an idiot? Fine. fine. I’ll give you a quick run through of what it means to be a zoomer.

A zoomer is someone born after the year 1997 and before 2012. This means that all of us are between the age of 7 and 22 and our brains are yet to understand the world around us. Despite this, we think we know everything about anything despite refusing to do our research.

Despite their childish looks you can also classify zoomers by many things.

Zoomers are famous for not understanding how to properly apply clothing to their body often wearing more than 1 shirt, and think that things from the 80’s are still trendy because they don’t realize that they are being brainwashed by crappy fashion companies. Every zoomers brain is about as attractive as martha dumptruck, there is no consistently intelligent zoomer and every member of gen-z manages to look completely dumb and incapable of deep thought due to their inability to understand anything about the world around them. Many zoomers show similar intelligence to that of a gorilla, which at first seems like a bit of a compliment, until they begin hurling balls of feces at one another for entertainment and mating purposes.

To a zoomer nothing is good, oh god I shouldn’t have even said that word because frankly I probably offended many of my brethren. Being optimistic in any way socially will only be met with incredible criticism and mockery despite both of those things being labeled harmful and rude by the community. Being a good person? Throw that out the window, being a good person is something only fake people do for clout and internet points, you want to do something good from the bottom of your heart because you are a caring person? I guess you’ll always be labeled as a bad person because you didn’t share it in a massive hashtag thread.

Speaking of criticism, do you have any? You don’t think someone’s actions are okay? You think someone is doing something incredibly inappropriate and backwards thinking? That’s your fault. Criticism is illegal unless it’s being inflicted on you because you are the toxic one. There is no way around it. Imagine having the audacity to inflict your problems onto other people, how dare you.

Being a zoomer also means caring incredibly about things like the environment and nature, even though you litter all the time and never go outside unless you absolutely have to. Which is simultaneously why you have depression, you limit your social interaction to judging yourself based on how other people present themselves on the internet and think that a compliment is just someone lying to you. You couldn’t possibly be capable of anything because you are not doritus pringelton and his glorious shining six-pack.

But wait there’s still hope for you! College could be the future for you and build meaning and purpose for you! Too bad you are too focused on it’s high price point and how capitalism ruins the world to actually try to apply for scholarships to make it free. Or maybe you are too dumb because you never cared to pay attention in your classes and now its too late for you because you were too busy being sad how useless you are. Good luck graduating high school, if you do make it out have fun dropping out of college with 20,000 dollars of student loans because “trying” was too much of an investment.

Anyway I just wanted to say that being surrounded by zoomers is my favorite thing ever, I hope you learned something! Have an epic day.