I’ve classified over 200 species of fish in my career, but if I ever discover one that resembles the 1970’s serial killer Ted Bundy, I’ll blow my fucking brains out.

My greatest fear is discovering a fish that knows how to read. If a fish can read, it can write and if it can write, it can write a tell-all book about being a fish, and if there’s a tell-all book about being a fish, then what do we even need marine biologist for? From there it’s a small leap to all-out genocide.
I truly hope I never have the supreme misfortune of discovering a narwhal with a baguette instead of a horn. I imagine the baguette would be incredibly soggy from years of being underwater and it would flop around looking all nasty and whatnot. That would be awful.

There is a creature I once read about that I never wanted to discover and it’s called a crab. As I understand it, a crab is just like a regular fish except it has 1,000 legs and is made of solid steel. No marine biologist should ever discover a crab. The alleged love child of a spider and a rock. According to legend a crab will pinch you as hard as it can even if you’ve done nothing illegal, at all. It’s madness. I saw an imaginary crab in the film The Little Mermaid. It sang with a thick Jamaican accent and colluded with the mermaid to plan a royal wedding. Frankly, it told me more than I ever wanted to know about crabs.

Another creature that I never want to discover is two sharks. One shark is scary enough, can you imagine discovering two of them?

I never want to discover a clam in Madagascar because traveling to Madagascar is very expensive. I do, however, hope to discover a clam in Tampa. Flights to Tampa are very affordable, especially in the off-season. Discovering a Tampa clam is incredibly cost-effective and I hope to do it someday.

In school, every aspiring marine biologist is taught never to discover a starfish shaped like the Star of David because doing so would start a religious war. I don’t even look at starfish anymore, it’s not worth the risk.

I once had a dream that I discovered a very elderly porpoise. It had gray hair, wrinkles, and it swam with a cane. In the dream, the wise old porpoise taught me important life lessons about honesty, respect, and the value of hard work. I love that porpoise like a father, but if I ever discovered a creature like that in real life, it would shake me to my fucking core. I hope it never happens.