“And then I said, that’s not a turtle! That’s my wife!” My friends laughed, their faces crinkled to a formattable smile as we’re all crowded together in this Applebee’s booth seat. The table crowded with 1 dollar “Captain Bahama Mama’s” and grease filled appetizers. Life was alright… then i felt it, the chill, my peer induced extended laughter soon faded as they continued. “What is that?” I can barely make it out over on the other table but on this man’s plate looks like… dear Christ “THAT’S NOT A 13.49oz SIRLOIN! THAT’S MY WIFE!” I scream, the boys begin to laugh even harder as I try to escape it feels as if they’re purposely pushing me back in, as I look again, she’s gone, it’s just a steak. What is happening? I blink and glimpse around and see the whole restaurant going back to their numb chattering when I meet eyes with the hostess.. Hey wait a minute, “That’s not the hostess? That’s my wife?” The table explodes with laughter, you can hear the sounds of their muscles creaking in their necks from the sharp shrill laughs. John slaps me in the back, I feel my soul detach from my body for a moment and I slam back into reality. “LARRY! WOAH! You really know your way around a JOKE!” I try to get out of the booth again “Guys please! I swear that’s Lorene, I just need to-” John and Brian pull me back and sit me down. “You’re not going anywhere! We got more Bahama Mama’s coming!”

John calls over our server and slips her a 20, “The dollar mama’s please!” she walks away and returns in what feels like a second with a tray full of, what in the unholy, “Those aren’t Bahama mamas! THOSE ARE ALL DISMEMBERED PIECES OF MY WIFE!” They laugh and throw back the glasses, this time rubbing my eyes doesn’t make the scene go away. I don’t even remember driving here? The more I study the faces around me the more I don’t know who these people are? How are we in an Applebee’s during lockdown? Do I even have a wife? The laughter grows so loud I can’t even focus, everything goes black, high pitched screaming in my ears.

“And then I said, that’s not a turtle! That’s my wife!” my friends laughed, their faces crinkled to a formattable smile as we’re all crowded together in this Applebee’s booth seat.