The largest poop in human history was in fact, laid about a foot away from my tent at the Reading festival 2008 and, in a curious twist of fate sat next to an identical turd of the same length and girth.

Each was approximately the size of a man’s forearm, laid roughly 8 inches apart and both laid perfectly parallel like the worlds grossest train tracks.

This was the sight I awoke to on the Friday morning of Reading 2008. My neighbour (who of all people was Andrew Kerr, the host of the 1971 Glastonbury festival) cleaned it up without comment whilst I was out grabbing some breakfast. He simply nodded to where the twin terrors once lay and then asked if I wanted a cuppa.