I’ve never posted here before but somehow it feels like home. My brother and I have had a long, drawn-out war over a trivial matter. A fecal matter if you will. And after months of fecal fighting, I’ve decided to put an end to it.

Now before you go any further, let me make things perfectly clear by saying this is NOT a shitpost, but rather a post involving shit. My brother and I have separate rooms with an adjoining bathroom. This means I can hear everything going on in there and vice versa. Naturally, after months of hearing every squirt and splash on the spectrum I began involuntarily tracking my brother’s bowel movements. He’s a scheduled shitter. A punctual pooper with an organized orifice. The man’s anus is like a piece of ordnance ready for action at any hour of the day.

Now here’s where things get interesting. Every day, my brother wakes up before me to take his morning ass blast and is anything but silent while squatting. In fact, I’d be willing to play the devil’s advocate and suggest that he might be employing some nefarious tactics to make his ear-splitting asshole even more deafening than it already is. After many rude awakenings consisting of the sound of my siblings’ sputtering anus I decided the matter needed to be addressed. So one day, in a tactful and diplomatic manner, I requested that he occupy an alternative lavatory to do his morning business. “Absolutely not” he said, and thus the battle was on.

The following evening was chalupa night. I loaded up on the gassiest entree available and farted the night away as my digestive system began crafting poo like an artisan. Just before my slumber, I set my alarm clock for 4 AM knowing full well that my brother wouldn’t be passing ass grenades for at least another few hours. At the break of dawn, I heard a symphony of complaints emerge from my bowels and instinctively knew the time was now. Without hesitation, I ripped the soggy pair of undergarments off my pasty thighs and let loose the diarrhetic devil within. In between grunts, I felt sweat and tears roll down my cheek, knowing, that I’d finally won.