I was driving home one night from a long day of penis inspections, it’s not a great job but it gets the bills paid. As I was driving home I noticed a strange figure in my rear view mirror. At first I thought it was a tree branh but it seemed a little weird, naturally. I exited my Prius and walked over to the crying child, but as I looked up I realised that this was no ordinary child. You see, in my line of profession they always spoke of the story that was told and what they said was that there was this creature they called “The Penis Pigeon.” This creature targeted penis inspectors, but I never believed it… until today. As I leave my car to inspect the noises I noticed my headlights were broken and drained of their blinker fluid. I looked back at the creature. It stared at me with blank, expressionless eyes. His body resembled a grey bird with a weird beak. I then softly spoke, “Hey, sexy.” Then the creature leaps into the trees and makes the gruesome remark, “And that’s on baby.” As he scrambles from bush to bush, he quietly twitched: “Da baby, da baby, da baby.” As he says this, I realised the rustling in the bushes had ceased. I panicked and wondered where had ran off to. I see a shift in my car’s suspension, even after I had my hydraulics removed to fund my baby mama’s meth addiction. I heard an offer being echoed from my trunk… [WHISPERS]… The echoed voice prolonged itself, I ran over to my trunk, anal blaster in hand. As I reached for my trunk, I looked up and realised The Penis penis pigeon had escaped from my makeshift sun roof which consists of zipties and cardboard. I was terrified from the smell of semen from his bestiality
porn. The bastard then pounced on me and proceeded to lick my balls like an ASMRist. He then softly whispered, “how big are you?” The moisture in my ears makes me lactate from my nipples, beans. I striked him with my anal blaster and he then fingered my nose. I pushed him off then ran to my car. I grabbed my copy of One Direction’s greatist hits on CD and threw it at him. He runs away like a roblox avatar, he then continues to burrow into the ground and as he does this he makes a Minecraft ™ digging sound. The smell of his gamer ass sweat hits me like a truck and I faint… I woke up covered in dog piss. I felt wonderful sensations in my penile region. I checked to see what was wrong… My dick had left me like that dumb whore left with my kids. I said to myself “Gosh darnit, I was hoping to feel the penis pigeon fucking me.” I noticed the dampness of my toes. I stand up and squish around in my cowboy boots from the 8th annual cock and ball torture rodeo. I discovered The Penis pigeons hole. It was so big, so big that even my fat, whale-like, piece of shit girlfriend could fit in it. I slip down the hole and wander around. There are human cages that are labelled “sex toy” and some fat kid who’s cage was labelled “King Size.” I enjoy the rest of my visit. I see a painting of the homeowner himself. It’s signed “P.P.” I believe he made them himself, as both the model and the painter. I sit and admire how sexily drawn it is. As I analyse the drawing, I hear a noise behind me. It turns out just to be feeding hour for that fat kid gorging on some cheezits. I return to analysing the photo. I often ponder suicide. I heard another noise from behind me but I just figured it was that fat kid and his cheezits, but then I feel a bag put over my head. About an hour later and the bag is removed. I am handcuffed and scared. I look up and see an overly buff guy, I look farther up, and it’s Richard Nixon. Alongside him is Alex Jones. I notice a delicately folded piece of skin in replacement of his handkerchief. It somehow slips out of his pocket, and as he reaches over to grab it I noticed his tramp stamp that reads: “Delila’s Bitch” He romantically speaks, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” He then starts grumbling about Grimace, I ask him “What’s going on?” … “Witness protection programme, and you’re in it.”