I did it. I found out how long Thanos’ flaccid penis is. I know what you’re thinking: How did I do it? Well, let me explain. I started with an image. The photo was of Thanos and Iron Man standing next to each other. This image was exactly what I needed. It was straight from Marvel, so I knew for sure the proportions were correct. Now that we have two characters, how do we determine how tall Thanos is? Easy. We just need to know the length of Robert Downey Jr.’s penis. Luckily, we have a vague idea how long it is. In 2014, Robert Downey Jr. quoted the following: “I have a massive cock, and feminism is a joke.” Based on this statement, we can determine a crucial fact: Robert Downey Jr. destroys women with his massive dick.

But how big is “massive?” To answer that, we need to do a search. Taking it to the internet, I used pixel measurements, and calculated the length of numerous penises, which belonged to numerous different porn stars. I averaged the results and averaged 3 inches flaccid. If Robert Downey Jr. really does possess a massive penis, then it must be slightly longer than this. Based on this, I decided to round it to 10 centimeters.

After this, we need to do more measurements. Tony Stark is 1.88 in the suit, so in this image, I used that number to calculate how many pixels per centimeter the photo had. As a result I got 9 pixels per centimeter. Using this number, we can find out that Thanos is 248 centimeters, or 2.48 meters. The same was done for the horizontal width. After a few quick calculations, we can determine that Thanos is approximately 1.36 times taller than Robert Downey Jr. With this ratio in hand, we can now commit the unthinkable. If we take what Robert Downey Jr. measures (10 centimeters) and multiply it by 1.35, it gives us 13.80.

I know what you’re thinking. 14 centimeters? It’s pathetic. But think of it this way: that’s its flaccid length. Imagine Thanos excited. On average, the human penis generally reaches twice its length when going from flaccid to erect. This means that Thanos’ sausage reaches almost 30 centimeters, being completely erect. If you still think that’s small, just try imagining all that sheer amount of dick stuffed into your tight little ass. His huge purple rolling pin in and out passionately, reducing your anal rectum to pieces. And let’s not even talk about his semen. Just picturing Thanos unloading gallons and gallons of kids into me leaves her rock hard. There’s nothing that turns me on more than Thanos’ massive 12-inch cock. I wish I could put it in every hole in my body. I want him to grab his flaccid cock and tie it around my neck like a knot. It would be pure ecstasy for me. Being strangled to death by Thanos’ sausage probably feels incredible. The only thing that would make him better would be if he wasn’t circumcised. I could pull out his foreskin, like a big fleshy purple banana. I would peel it off, and I would eat every particle of its smegma, its delicious cottage cheese. He would suck it all off until his meat flute was all shiny and sticky. And once it’s all lubricated, I’d let me put it up my tail. This time he would not resist. He would hold me so hard that my insides would turn to jam, and it would be amazing. Then he would come again, but this time there would be so much that would fill my body. Just imagine: Thanos is about to finish devastating your anus, when he suddenly releases a tsunami of hot, sticky semen inside your body. Your ass is full, but Thanos’s sex gun is so fat it won’t let anything come out of your tail. But he keeps cumming more. Eventually it starts to fill my intestines and stomach, before it starts to rush out of my mouth. At this point, I’m vomiting Thanos’ milk all over the place, but I’m not doing it fast enough. The pressure builds as the semen slowly begins to flow out of every hole in my body. My penis, my nose, my ears, and even my eyes. But it’s not enough. Thanos continues to ejaculate. It is like an unlimited source of water, but of juices from your penis. The pressure feels so good! I explode in a glorious sample of semen and guts. My stomach is open, and now I am only head and torso, but only the back of my torso remains intact. Still, somehow, I survive. All my limbs flew off, as did my own penis. Thanos caresses what is left of my face with his huge purple hand.

“I want to continue.” Thanos says gently to me, “Are you okay with that?”

Despite the fact that my windpipe exploded into a thousand pieces, I can go so far as to say, “Yes.”

Thanos nods, and proceeds to passionately kiss me on the lips.

He draws his excalibur, and lovingly sticks it into the new hole, where my penis was. He grabs me and lifts me up, now that I’m little more than a mere lump of meat. He slowly puts his cock in and out, in an attempt to make sure my new vagina was a proper hole. After determining his measurements, Thanos begins to move me up and down as if I were nothing more than a simple rubber vagina. But being with the love of my life- Thanos, I didn’t even care. After a bit more, with his sex pistol already reloaded, he fired one last explosion of milk. This shot was so intense, that I slip off his cock, and I was thrown into space. Nickelback’s “Million Miles An Hour” begins to play, as I fly off as fast as a rocket into the cosmos. The intense heat of Thanos’ semen prevents the void from freezing and killing me.

Back on the planet we fucked, Thanos, as he watches my body drift away, whispers, “No homo …”

I traveled the galaxy for what seemed like days, before falling into the gravity of a black hole. Thanos’s semen still kept me alive, but the propulsion wasn’t strong enough to prevent it from being sucked out.

After reaching the black hole’s event horizon, something incredible happened. Thanos’s juice ignited, and it exploded. The explosion eventually resulted in the formation of a star. After the creation of the star, I was thrown into the orbit of the star, before my body was torn to pieces by the immense gravity of the sun and the rest of my parts were left wandering in the void. But my soul remained attached to the star that had been formed. I watched for billions of years as the very gravitational pull of my remains began to attract other particles, until they all eventually became planets.

I continued observing this new solar system. Eventually, on the third planet, I saw something impressive. I could see that, from the primordial radiation of the planet, a small life form emerged. Over the years, I saw this way of life evolve, grow, and take on a much more complex shape. After a while, they became a species called “humans.” These humans were smart. But not so smart that other beings visited them. Humans, at one point, named me. They referred to me as Sol. I continued to observe these humans as their culture developed more and more. Until one day, a movie called “The Avengers: Infinity War” was released. It was a cultural phenomenon, although it was not very good from an objective point of view. But the humans loved it. And there was one character they loved more than the rest. His name – was Thanos. When Thanos appeared as a character on Earth, I knew my journey was over. I can’t explain how, but somehow or other – some part of Thanos stayed in the part of the body that became Earth. And as a result, their influence could be appreciated throughout history.

All of this came to my head, with Infinity War. Thanos’s semen gave life to an entire planet, full of creatures, and they rewarded him in the maximum way. Thanos has been forever immortalized in your culture as the most competently written character, in one of the most mediocre films of all time.