While it is possible for you to say that “you like em big, and you like em chunky,” it is not actually possible to healthily eat a “big” and “chunky” pancake. The reason for this is because if you make the “thiccest” pancake that can possibly be drizzled onto the pancake griddle, in your haste to cook the pancake fully, to the center, you will burn the bottom side, directly adjacent to the pan’s surface, before you even start cooking the batter anywhere close to the panCakeCore™. By burning food to a blackened crisp, you are propagating the development of carcinogenic compounds, otherwise known as carcinogens, and for English speakers, “cancerous compounds.” This can further be simplified to “cancerous stuff in your food.” Anyway, back to the subject at hand, even though you have read all of this, you will anyway continue to eat the poached egg-style pancake. At first, the bottom will be flaky and crispy and at parts. The emanating steam may have made the top and/or bottom soggy, but nevertheless, bits of black cancer will be falling of with every MicroMovement™ (µ -> ment). The pancake will ooze with uncooked, flour-y batter and get all over your clothes. You make your way through the “thiccest” piece of cancer you have ever faced in your life. It is bitter. You wince with every bite of the thicccake™. But you manage to pull through. Little do you know, you have just eaten carbon dioxide (CO₂), a toxin to your body. CO₂ is supposed to come out of your body, through the trachea. Not in through your esophagus. Your body starts to process the cancer. CO₂ in, cancer in. Your health starts to deteriorate. You keep eating more thicccake™. You are now falling into a downward spiral of deterioration. No one can stop it. Your father can’t. Joe can’t. Who is Joe? JOE MAMA. Your doctors can’t. You checked into a hospital. You gained a lot of weight. You are now 150.3 lbs. and about to start chemotherapy. But the chemo doesn’t work. You try immunotherapy, but that doesn’t work either. You get blood transfusions, antibody transplants, whatever can seem to help you. But it doesn’t work. Your cancer is spreading. First your liver. Then your pancreas. You develop Type 2 diabetes due to the fact that you have now been in the hospital for 10 months. Nothing can seem to help. You wish that you had never even thought of making thicccakes™. But your thoughts are no more. Your vision starts to fade. Then it gets brighter. And brighter. And brighter. You see your dead mother and sister, who passed away from a horrific car crash in 2002. Then, you are being lifted. Your hospital bed starts to melt away into the floor. The ceiling starts to fade away, and your altitude increases….BUT, it all stops.

And everything becomes dark…

    …rest in peace.