Damn y’all ever just play guitar sitting down to the point where you right ass cheek may be numb. Almost as if the ghost of Eddie Van Halen himself was slapping my right ass cheek because of my horrible playing. That’s because his ghost WAS there. His ass slapping followed a certain tempo, and made different sounds and tones with his guitar, and his voice. It was as if he was mockingly saying “0-3-5”, on pitch. I’m sorry Ed, I can’t play anything else besides “0-3-5-0-3-6-5-0-3-5-3-0” and “Wonderwall”. Ed proceeded to force me to play the Smoke In The Water Intro and Wonderwall. I failed horribly, hitting A D G B, for my pick control was shite. He then told me to play Wonderwall or else he would smash his Gibson Les Paul on my balls. I tried desperately to play, but I don’t know how to strum for shit, and I don’t know when to change chords. I don’t even know the chord progression. So desperately I tried to play. “G… plink… D… plink… FUCK I CANT”. My fingers simply weren’t strong or flexible enough. I tried desperately to play “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. I struggle controlling the pick through “EA/22”, and I can’t mute for shit. “It is too late” Van Halen of Hell said. He breaks my left leg with his guitar, using a lumberjack swing, and summons an amp from the underworld to drop on my right leg, crushing it. He proceeds to aim at my nutsack, with a kendo stance, he holds his guitar overhand, and calculates the force needed to flawlessly bust my balls, whilst splitting his guitar in half. He proceeds to hit me in my nuts, squashing them to a pulp. Then suddenly, another Van Halen appears through the door. The Van Halen that had just busted my balls is revealed to be Satan himself. Van Halen challenges Satan to a rock off. Satan then proceeds to shred, as he says “I’m the devil, I love metal”, until I hit him in the horns with my Fender Stratocaster. 2 horns fall off, the devil dazed. I give a horn to Van Halen, and not knowing what to do with the other, I am confused. Van Halen then summons upon Jimi Hendrix, riding on a Unicorn from heaven. They proceed to both play a song called “Eruption Along The Watchtower” at a tempo faster than the speed of light. The devil gets shooed off to hell. Jimi and Ed both use the song on me, healing everything. Ed says “Go ahead and jump”. Jimi waves goodbye to me and Ed, and proceeds to jump to the heaven. Ed looks at me with a smile, waves his hand and says “Might as well jump”, and joins Jimi in heaven. I look in awe.



Anyway, is this normal for a beginner to experience? How do you get calluses?