I didn’t fuck my cat. I didn’t cum on my cat. I didn’t put my dick anywhere near my cat. I’ve never done anything weird with my cats. I promised myself I wasn’t going to make apology videos after last years thing so I’m just trying to be as short and honest with this as possible. The problem with living in the suburbs with two cats and a dog is there’s always someone around. I don’t think my wife, Audrey really minds because it means she doesn’t have to clean the litter tray, but I have this sort of “go to” fantasy where the whole thing goes horribly wrong and I end up covered in shit. I find that really hot. I guess maybe it stems from me being little bit of a turd at times, but that’s been getting a lot harder to achieve since having kids. (I think it’s easier to be an asshole when you’re drunk, but that’s a post for another day.)

I’m sure I’ve fucked the dog a couple of times, but I always stop halfway through because, hello, the dog will bite me if I take my clothes off. I think she’s getting pretty bored with me though because she’s usually waiting for me to have a bit of lunch or something before she pounces on my package. If I was a dog I’d be an aggressive little bastard too. It’s kind of getting to the stage where I kind of feel like having sex with…