It’s 8:00pm and an overweight man sits in an empty parking lot. He rolls the windows down on his F-250 and turns on some Tom Petty. “This is the life” he says as he pulls out KFC’s Famous Bowl from a brown paper bag with the face of a rich, white bearded dude on it. He lifts the lid off the bowl and takes in the smell. It smells like America, America and gravy. The overweight man can’t take it anymore, he must devour the fuck out of this right now! He dips his hand into the bag to pull out the plastic spork, however, his chubby fingers only pull out napkins.

“Fucking shit! Where is my spork?” The man exclaims. He’s only about 20ft from the KFC, he could easily go inside and grab a spork. That would just be too easy, though! This man only has one option floating around in his head.

He looks down at the bowl and then looks out the windows to make sure no one is watching. Coast is clear. The man dives his face down into the bowl like he’s bobbing for apples, but he would never bob for something so healthy and natural. This man is bobbing for fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, cheese and corn.

This man is bobbing for America.