So earlier today I was at the grocery store buying kale and salmon (my dog is vegan but my cat is an obligate carnivore) when a kid approached me in the cereal aisle and inquired about a fishy smell, reminiscient of an Ozark lake during late autumn. I informed him that the smell was coming from my girlfriend’s snatch. He asked to get a whiff straight from the source. Now, before you downvote me, this kid was about 4 years old, so I instead held my fingers up to his nose. He was not satisfied, and demanded to stick his own fingers in my girlfriend’s clam.

All of a sudden, his mom ran up to me shouting “Why won’t you let my baby finger your girlfriend’s pussy?”

I calmly replied, “Miss, this is my girlfriend and your child is a child. But he is welcome to sniff my fingers all he’d like.”

This only made her more irate, and she started screaming.

EM: YTA, and your girlfriend is dressed like a slut, she’s clearly begging to be fingered by my sweet baby angel!”

Me: Actually miss, she’s not asking for it.

EM: Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

Me: r/unexpectedthanos

At this point, Walmart loss prevention showed up and shot the woman in both eyes with an M1911. On our way out the door, I stepped on my own shoelace and yelled out “Ahhhh!” but my scream was interrupted by something suddenly lodged in my throat. Yep, you guessed it, it was my own father’s penis.

tl;dr A kid wanted to finger my girlfriend’s cooter and I ended up choking on my dad’s fat FAT dick