I am the very model of an online cinephiliac
I know the great directors: Taika, Rian, Wiseau, Wes, and Zack
I’m several thousand dollars in debt in the script economy
My Funko Pops can demonstrate my consumer autonomy
The only black-and-whites I’ve seen are Psycho and 12 Angry Men
I don’t need to walk with a Kane, certainly not a Citizen’s
I know the timestamps of every foot shot by Tarantino
And the differences between a joint, or flick, or film, or kino!
I watch video essays rivaling Sátántangó in length
Often quite misinterpreting the phrase “female character strength”
I hate when casts are whiter than the movie Casablanca
My favorite CinemaSins vids sound like Hector Salamanca.
The most absurdist film I saw was Seinfeld’s _Chinese Restaurant_
And all I know of French New Wave is how I should pronounce croissant
Regarding foreign movies, well, I don’t have anything to say
Unless you meant the term was interchangeable with “anime”
But when a film discussion comes to speculative fiction
Then I’m pleased to say you would be in my mastered jurisdiction,
My A24 collection would be vastly better spent on crack
I am the very model of an online cinephiliac!