Initially I stumbled upon this game through an associate of mine, who assured me that this was a story revolving around integrating Catatonic schizophrenics furries into mainstream society and ensuring that they become employable. I was ecstatic, finally I would be able to hone my talents as a medical practitioner and would be able to LEGALLY remedy the wretched fiends ailments. Unfortunately, I was unpleasantly surprised, as my associates imaginative depiction of the game was immensely dissimilar to the reality. Nekopara, contrary to what I was told, centers around four inbred sodomites, sporting various physical deformities such as cat ears that alienate them away from civilised society. As a result of their social isolation, these deformed homosexuals are susceptible to slave hunters, with the four in question being abducted and coerced into permanent indentured servitude. The entire premise of this game is that you are an incompetent FEMALE café owner, one who as a result of their own ineptitude in operating a business has decided to purchase the four homosexuals previously described, who inexplicably have a talent in logistics. As you delegate to them tasks in keeping the café afloat, these DEAMONIC CARIACTURES OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY, or sodomites for lack of a better word engage in all matter of shenanigans. Frequently they are envisioned sexually harassing the female protagonist, demanding that they sleep besides her, that she feed them treats and most significantly that she bathe them. The mentally ill slaves also attempt to emulate catlike mannerisms, mimicking a felines stereotypical angst temperament in an attempt to appear attractive I imagine. Unfortunately, these attempts are wholly ineffective, as historical precedents have shown that only the most masculine and robust of males are able to succeed in captivating and pollinating with a woman, with effeminate, deformed and diminutive males being unable to acquire a mate. Overall, in terms of the games idea, while audacious in principle, it is utterly ludicrous, as only those on the sex offenders registry would be remotely intrigued about the idea, let alone engage and humour it.

One of my main criticisms of this sullen mess is the shoddy dialogue. Throughout my brief experience in the game I was plagued with writing that was intended for a 14 year old adolescent, who has been babysit by Discord and anime instead of his parents for his entire life. For example, the developers saw fit to throw their degenerate demographic, comprised of autistic children and self proclaimed pansexuals a cookie every now and again, by writing mentally decrepit terms such as, “I see he is a man of culture” SHOOT THE WRITERS HURL BRICKS AT THEIR ABODES, MARWOLAETH I’R COVENANT ANABLEDD! Asides from the banal dialogue, I have envisioned the game accumulate much praise due to the story being entirely voice acted. What the fans neglected to mention however, is that the game is exclusively voice acted in Japanese, by a single captive man born in the Imperial Shogunate era. Now, this is mightily inconvenient as I CANNOT DECIPHER JAPANESE, NOR DO I WISH TO! My other main gripe is the character designs and general aesthetic. I consider myself to be a man of resolute will, possessing a stern, indomitable tolerance towards homosexuals and their hedonistic antics, peculiarly however, this game is an exception. On every instance that I observe the character designs, I am filled with an inexplicable murderous rage, to such an extent that whenever I see the character Dill, I begin repeatedly pummeling my computer until he disperses from the screen. If I am being utterly brazen and abrasive, I spent the majority of this game fantasizing about plonking the deformed, furry characters heads in repeatedly with a hammer. Alas, it is a videogame so my fantasies cannot come into fruition.

The final grievance with the game is the astounding lack of logical principles. The developers believe that everyone bears a positive inclination to cats, having their NPC’s state “Everybody adores felines, so if I dress up as a cat THEN EVERYONE WILL FAWN ALL OVER ME.” Having your digitally concocted characters masquerade as kittens and assert that they are adorable is not cute, nor is it even remotely attractive, it just makes them appear to be decrepit sex offenders, who several decades prior would be rounded up and executed en masse. If anybody is genuinely endeared by the dialogue, then I will presume that they lack sentience or are startingly mentally undeveloped.

Overall, I beg the Japanese to take a stand and regain their lost honour and principles. Return to the Japanese mandate, to the rule of the Emperor, anything, QUITE LITERALLY ANYTHING, is a superior alternative to the current state of Japan. The Japanese are having their culture and traditions irrevocably hacked apart, desolation and ruin occurs to their traditional way of life. Their polytheistic Shinto temples lie empty, whilst down from the mountains shops peddling cutesy, scantily clad women are attracting throngs of men and women alike. Instead of revering the sword, the Japanese flock to mint condition children’s toys. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? THEY ARE BEING MENTALLY CRIPPLED BY ANIMATED HOGWASH. Are you that naïve to presume that this phenomenon exclusively occurs in Japan? Do you not see how it extends its gnarled, taloned fist to the outer reaches of the world, Russia, England, America, you name it. NOT EVEN THE CENTRE OF THE WORLD WALES IS SAFE. Already we see our children polymorphing into corrupted versions of humanity, wearing frilly dresses, bellowing unintelligible Japanese propagandic slogans and trading STDs as one would Pokemon cards. Men and women of Wales, do not capitulate to the oncoming tide, do not be ensnared by digital humanoid females and most significantly REPEL AND STAVE OFF WHAT LONGS TO DISTORT OUR PURITY. It is your obligation, men and women of Wales to hurl fecal matter at the ones corrupted by heresy, those who have rejected their treftadaeth and would rather converse in watered down Japanese, as opposed to their genuine language.