I, as a gaming connoisseur, think I have just found the greatest game of all time. Yes ladies and gentlemen, after 1,318 hours of playing I have decided this is the perfect game. It hurt me to dethrone Super Monkey Ball 2 from it’s position of number 1 on my Top Sextillion Games of All Time List, but I will not regret it. This game has changed me in so many ways: physically, mentally, maybe even sexually. It might’ve even opened my third eye. It takes a owning a brain of a significantly large mass to understand this masterpiece of a game and it’s amazing and nuanced characters (if you are wondering, I have a pretty large brain mass). Even with my giga brain, It took me years to finally understand the complex story of this work of art and I could say that I have become what some may call a “scholar of all things Sakura Beach”. I could practically teach a class on the subject of this game.


The characters featured in this masterclass of a game are probably some of the greatest characters in all of literature. They were so masterfully written that it almost felt like they were real people (even though I don’t really know how a real person would act anymore because I haven’t left my house in 20 years). Now, you may feel like the characters are one-note, anime stereotypes, but you’re just ignorant of how amazingly written they are. You probably have a brain the size of a peanut if you can’t see how dynamic the characters are. Yes, I will admit, I might’ve had a few incidents where I was what you monkey-brains would call “aroused”, but it in no way hurt my gaming experience.


And don’t even get me started on the soundtrack. Being a famous world-class piano soloist, I thought nobody could surpass me in musical ability. Oh, was I wrong. The soundtrack was the greatest thing that has ever reached my ears. The soundtrack is quite possibly better than the works of Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, and Kanye West combined (and if you say otherwise you’re just wrong).